two posts from Satom

Feb 9, 2007

Is it too late now to tell you I love you?

I had not seen you for quite some time since you left me and your family behind. A new world you created that did not include me…and I selfishly turned my back thinking you’d forget about me. You returned for a brief moment to say your goodbyes and how excited I was to finally see you. We had brunch in one of my favorite Pho restaurants as we chat about dreams, life, and the beautiful daughter you felt so proud of. The warmth in your eyes, the tenderness in your voice…not one sound of disappointment regarding your role in her life. She is the one thing in your life you felt you did right…a gift that you could offer to the world.

So much I wanted to say before we depart…but I couldn’t bring myself to utter those three words I longed to say and how much I had missed you so. I wanted to stay longer, insisting that its ok to miss my class, but you urged me to go making sure I wouldn’t be late. But inside, I desperately wanted to stay and hang out with you for a while, but I couldn’t tell you that! So instead, we shared a warm embrace before I finally left to go. I watched you lay peacefully to rest with a smile across your face for a nap, as I left feeling quite comforted in your peacefulness.

Three days later I heard you upstairs as I was hurrying myself to get to the hospital to meet my mom for her chemotherapy session. In my rush to leave, I didn’t get a chance to say hello, thinking I’d get a chance to see you again before you go. But the chance never came to say those words I could not say before. You were found the next morning, with a 26page letter detailing your pain…a gun wound that shook our world, leaving us stung with a multitude of emotions we are still struggling to comprehend.

Why did I not see the sorrow in your eyes? Why didn’t you tell me the pain you were suffering inside? You were my dear friend, my beloved mentor, my second father…so much we had shared since I was a teenage girl. Boys, relationships, and love! Evolution, science, math, and depression! Everything from me you heard it all! I would’ve wrapped my arms around you and tell you I love you. I would have wiped your tears away telling you I need you. I would have crossed the Atlantic to show you I care…but its too late now…you are no longer there.

May you rest in peace, my fatherly friend and mentor. I will think of you as I look above to see your eyes through your beloved black knights soaring in the sky. With all of my heart, I love you.

——–

October 26, 2007:

I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing as I was reading an article about the entrapments of our wild animals held captive in the zoos of our western civilization! Bob literally came to mind, as I find myself empty of the person who shared so much of his knowledge regarding the human quality of our neighboring friends (if they are ever allowed to be). He always spoke with such compassion and with high regards for the creatures we looked upon as savage, beastly, unintelligent…to the point they are a mere entertainment for our own self-centered views. Bob can go on for hours and hours with stories of animal behavior and I would listen with captivation, though at times my mind would wander out into space…but when my mind returns, I see him as enthusiastic as he first began! That’s what I so desperately miss…among the many unique qualities that makes Bob one of the most genuine, sincere, honest, and dearest friend I have been fortunate enough to meet in this life time. He is truly a rare find and will always remain in my heart as one of my greatest treasures.

Thanksgiving

I sent out invitations

To summer guests,

I collected together

All my friends,

Loud talk

And simple feasting:

Discussion of philosophy,

Investigation of subtleties.

Tongues loosened

And minds at one.

-Ch’eng-kung Su

3rd century Chinese poet

————-

Dear Friends,

I want to thank you all, today, on the day of Thanksgiving, for being, each of you, essential in my life. I am thankful for the time that we have had in the past, for the time we have today, and the times we will share in the future. I am thankful for the laughter we share, which I know reaches across oceans of life and death to those loving us from far away places.

May you be well, eat well, and laugh well.

love,

Robin